It's Like Learning How To Program Your Remote

I'm new to blogging (around a month into it), and when I set up this blog, I just kind threw it out there.  I didn't pay much attention to all of the settings nor what they could do.  Finally, today, I took some time to do what I never do:  I Read The Instructions Manual! 

Those of you who have perused the blog may notice that the look of the site has changed ever so slightly.  I've added some things that should make it easier to follow the site, without having to use Facebook to enter every time. 

For those of you who have taken the time to read my ramblings, thank you, I appreciate it.  There's more to come...

The Bee Fatwa & The Map Nazi

I don't know what I did to offend the bees.  Maybe they caught wind of my taking out some of their more aggressive brethren near my pool, or perhaps there is some other movement afoot here.  But obviously, some big Queen Bee somewhere has issued a Fatwa against me.  Just this week I felt something on the back of my neck, swiped at it and knocked off a bee.  No sting.  Then while walking from a client meeting, I found a bee on my shirt, which I was able to smack off, again with no sting.  Okay, two times over a few days can be chalked up to a coincidence.  Today erased all doubt.  I had to go to downtown L.A. and I parked on the roof a six floor parking garage.  I get out, put on my sunglasses, then I think I feel something and there it is:  a bee landed on the side of my sunglasses and was crawling down in between the side and my head.  I was too fast for him and I extricated myself from the situation.  But there it is. Somewhere, somehow, in Bee HQ, they've got it in for me.  A Fatwa has been issued in Bee-Land for me.  Call me paranoid, but I know they're out there watching me even now.  Bzzzzzz

The Map Nazi

Yesterday, I went to a customer meeting, which is about an hour's drive away.  The organization has two locations, and each has a security guard.  These properties are very large and contain senior living areas, medical facilities and nursing home sections as well.  Location one has a very nice guard who recognizes me (or at least pretends to) when I arrive and is more than helpful in pointing me in the right direction.  I've been there so many times that I find I can get where I need without any directional assistance anymore, but I know he's there if I need him.

At location two, the guard is something else: a little anger and a little power trip with a side order of Paul Blart.  I have only been there once prior, it has been remodeled since that visit and the person I'm going to see has moved to a different part of the building.  All of this, plus the fact that he acts like anyone showing up at the property must be treated as a major suspect (like he's Secret Service or something) all makes me thing that I have some fun waiting for me when I roll up.  Oh, his other big deal is, visitors don't get to park in the parking lot.  He makes you park on the street, then walk up, no matter how many open spaces there are inside. 

So anyway, I come bouncing up and let him know of my intention to enter the premises and visit my colleague.  He looks at me for a moment (no smile whatsoever), calls her up, then once she confirms my story, tells me I'm okay to go in.  Just then his Kevlar exterior cracks ever so slightly and he asks me if I need directions, because he knows the person I'm going to see has recently relocated.  He even offers to let me use his map.  This is a plasticized map, about 8 1/2 by 11, and it has both the "You Are Here" and my destination connected by a route drawn in pencil, with a yellow highlight on it the entire way.  Pretty cool and pretty nice.  There is one catch though:  "I need that back" he commands.  "No problem", I answer (I've been wanting to use that).  And with that, I'm off to see my friend.

Thanks to the cool map, I find where I'm going with the greatest of ease.  Our meeting lasts about 45 minutes to an hour, then we wrap it up.  I stand up to depart, and I reach for the map which is resting comfortably on her desk.  She tells me "Oh, you can leave that here."  I say "Um, he told me specifically to bring it back to him".  She ends with "Don't worry about it, I'll get it back to him".  With that, I'm off.  We walk the parking lot near the street, then I head to my car.  I can see him in the guard shack, staring at me as I shuffle towards the street.  Problem.  I have to pass within about 15 feet of where he is - no way around it.

As I start getting closer to the street, I'm forced to angle somewhat closer to his command post (I'm staying as far away as I physically can) and I hear him yell out "Where's my map?" Great.  I stop, turn and walk over to him and tell him that I don't have it.  The look he gave me was priceless.  He was stupefied.  To him, I had deliberately disobeyed him.  Like when you tell your child specifically not to touch something and they look right at you and touch it anyway.  I explained that my friend had instructed me to leave the map in her office, which did nothing to alleviate his upset demeanor.  He grabbed the phone (it's just above the little white microwave he keeps in the shack) and called her but she hadn't made it back to her office yet.  So, he hung up and immediately called someone else in the building, who I'm assuming must sit close to my friend's office.  He switched to Spanish (so that the prisoner couldn't understand what was happening I guess), but kept looking back at me, like "Don't you even think of going anywhere."

This all transpired in about 30-45 seconds while I stood at the guard shack.  I was amused and annoyed at the same time.  Part of me was ready to just turn around and walk away - I mean, I'd off the property, he's freaking out of a stinking map and if he came at me, I could just cram him back inside the guard shack - I'm not worried about any physical altercation.  But, I also don't want to make a scene as it could be bad for business.

So I wait another 10 seconds, give him the "I'm leaving signal", he nods slowly, but all the time keeping his peepers locked on me like he's thinking "You're lucky I'm letting you walk out of here."  He watches me all the way to the street and by this time I'm laughing hard.  Something tells me my next visit is not going to be all fun and games.  

Say It Ain't So, Silly Names and You Just Have To See It

Say It Ain't So...

The man who was the voice (as a youngster - wanted to use that word) of Charlie Brown in the "Peanuts" cartoons is in trouble.  He allegedly threatened his girlfriend (can we say former?) and the plastic surgeon who performed her "enhancement".  I can't believe she didn't see it coming.  You remember how he hated the big fake commercial trees, but loved the little, real, scrawny ones?  Well, apparently he feels the same way about boobs.    Link to the story here.  

Weather You Like These Names or Not (Misspelling Intentional)

Not sure about you, but I've never been a big fan of the phony names that weather people/meteorologists/whatever choose for themselves.  The other day, I was reading a story about some weather event and came across the name "Amy Freeze".  Yeah, I know.  Anyway, apparently there are around 16 idiots out there with goofy names.  I have linked to the story/list here.  I'm not sure if "Ray Ban" or "Storm E. Field" is my favorite. 

What is he Doing and What is he Wearing?

And then, for no reason at all, we have "David Bowie Playing Ping Pong In A Kimono"...Really

Hockey Helmet Hair

I've been a fan of hockey for a long time, although the work stoppage of a few years ago really dashed my interest for a bit.  It's been coming back for me and last year I was really into the Kings again.  So, I'm really glad that hockey is back (couldn't care less about basketball). 

With that being said, I think the aging/maturing/beastification of San Jose Sharks player Brent Burns is amazing.  He starts out as a young, innocent-looking kid in 2005 and by 2013 looks like he could star in his own commercial for Jack Links Beef Jerky (the 2014 projection may be spot on).  Check out his pictures here.

It's Fake...Really..

She's My Girlfriend, I Should Know, I Bought Her

It's getting to the point where we almost can't believe anything nowadays.  I'm still trying to get my head around the fake girlfriend situation of Manti Te'o.  (If you haven't heard about this story, you can catch up on it here.)  Now, there's news that for a nominal fee, in Brazil, you can have a company put together a fake girlfriend for you on Facebook.  Seriously.  For $39 you can have a deluxe phony girlfriend or, if you're on a budget, you can get a stripped down (no pun intended....okay, it was, so what?) Ex-Girflriend for $19.  This is great.  Now guys can pretend to go to the gym, pretend to only win and never lose money at the casino, pretend to go on vacations they didn't actually go on - all with their new imaginary girlfriends.  The story is linked here.

Slower Traffic Keep Right

Dear Fast Lane Drivers:  If you can't drive at or slightly above the speed limit, MOVE OVER!

This past Friday, I had to drive down to San Diego for a business meeting.  As I was making my way down the 15 (by the way, a far superior drive time-wise, than the 5), there were several things that stood out to me.  The first being that the speed limit is 70 miles per hour for most of the trip.  This is great, because you can go 75 or so, without worry of getting pulled over...that's making some good time.  The second thing I noticed were the signs just to the left of the fast lane that said "Slower Traffic Keep Right".  I kept seeing this sign and wondered why, until....I kept coming up behind cars in the fast lane, with no traffic in front of them, driving, like 60 miles per hour.  They wouldn't move over either.  I could see them check their mirrors, but were almost happy to cause me to slow down.  This is what causes traffic people, not an excess of cars.  It's too many slow-driving cars that causes the slow down.  I think our Highway Patrol should adopt what they do in Germany:  Ticket those who refuse to move over and are impeding traffic.  When I used to commute by motorcycle, many times I actually found the "front" of the traffic stream, by passing other cars.  As crazy as it seems, it exists.   

"...I realized I wasn't in Belgium anymore"

 Was her name Dorothy?  A lady relies on her GPS device to the point where she drives 900 miles out of her way, to another country.  The trip took 2 days and included such fun as going through Germany and France, two stops at a gas station, a fender-bender and a snooze.  All this time she never checked to see if she was where she was supposed to be?  The story is linked here. 

This Is Just Silly:  Scotch Tape Portraits

Not On My Lawn

No matter which side of the gun control debate you come down on, I think you have to appreciate the hypocrisy of the news media in this story, which is linked by Powerline, a website I read regularly.  The video is somewhat long, but it's effective.  The group doing the video poses as an anti-gun group and asks to place signs on the lawn of some reporters and editors who think it's okay to publish the names and addresses of gun owners.  The results shouldn't surprise anyone who pays attention to this topic, or to the media, but it is funny and revealing.

Calling All Pet Detectives

A couple in Corona calls out a Pet Psychic/Pet Detective to find their missing Yorkie.  Okay - originally, I was going to make all kinds of fun of this...the Pet Psychic part is sketchy, and a picture on the detective's website of her holding a parabolic microphone look silly...but she has actually found a bunch of missing pets.  She uses a bloodhound to track the scent.  The story is here and her website is here.  Can I just say it once, though?  "Finkle is Einhorn.  Einhorn is Finkle"  Sorry, couldn't help it. 

Teachers, Personal Responsibility and Crazy Alaskans

Teachers

I'm sure if you think about it, you can come up with a top 5 list of "best teachers".  Teachers who left an impact on you and either helped you become the person you are, challenged you to do better, or "had your number".  Of the teachers I hold in my Top 5, most of them "had my number" - meaning that they knew I could get lazy and would call me on this and not let me get away with it.

One such teacher was my first grade teacher, Miss Bennett (and later MGM teacher) who must have been a great poker player, because she could read my "tells" and call any bluff I was using.

Two others were from my time in the Valley Christian High School program (I will tell you if you ask), while the final two were from my time in college - one during my undergraduate studies and one when I was taking graduate courses in Education.

Not too many people know that I contemplated a move to teaching (yes, inspired by the top 5) and actually completed all of the coursework to obtain my multiple-subject California Teaching credential.  I did not follow through with the student teaching aspect and ultimately stayed in my original industry (although I added a teaching/training aspect to it).

While I was taking these courses, I was struck by the emphasis on "social justice" and increasing students' self-esteem, more so at times than even the basic education.  That never left me and I think it is a shame, because one person's social justice may be another person's "indoctrination".  Thomas Sowell has a great article on this subject here. 

Personal Responsibility

One thing about our culture that keeps bothering me is that we seem to be moving away from personal responsibility.  The less and less individuals are held responsible for their actions, the worse it is for society.

Parenting has a huge impact too - both positively and negatively - on society as a whole.  Parents can help by working to create good, solid, caring, moral children, young adults, then adults.  The key here is that it is work.  It isn't yelling from the couch when they do something wrong, it is getting up and dealing with issues as they happen.  It is staying connected to teenagers as they go through their labyrinth, while giving them some space.  It isn't easy.  But it is possible to those who want to do right by their children. 

Crazy Alaskans

I saw a show called "Buying Alaska", which is much like "Househunters", except it only involves properties in Alaska.  On the episode I watched, a man and his son named Hunter were looking for a hunting property.  One such property was really only accessible by float plane, and they were dropped off and left for several hours so they could check out the land.

All of a sudden, the man breaks out some kind of distress call, which made a nasty sound.  The realtor turned quickly to ask him "what are you doing?".  He said "I'm calling in bears."  Nice.  That must have been a good feeling for her....  At least he was armed.  But, seriously, why do that when all three of you are out in the open with no ride back to the main-land? 

Post New Year's Post

Even though I haven't been at this very long, but I decided to take a little break from posting over Christmas and New Year's Holiday.  Seems a little early after only a few posts, but I felt that I was trying too hard to focus on writing about funny things.  To me, humor has to flow.  It's either there or it's not.  So, I decided that I'm just going write about whatever I want to - whether the topic is funny or otherwise. So there.

Christmas was nice - other than having the flu and basically staying in the house for four days - as was New Year's Eve.  New Year's was very relaxing.  I just stayed home with my wife and the boys. 


Some random stuff:

Have you ever been on a flight with an annoying person and fantasized about doing this?  Just the picture of the guy all taped to his chair is worth the click.

My wife and I were at Walmart the other day, and were in line behind a couple with their (I'm guessing) 20ish year old son.  There was a language barrier, so I couldn't understand exactly what they were saying to him, but it was easy enough to figure out. 

As they were placing their items on the conveyer belt, they first saw a game he wanted them to buy for him and they made him put it back.  He did it by putting it down in the junk/candy section of the checkout line, like most everyone at the store does.  It was still well within my reach though.  I think the game was Diablo.

Next they questioned him about a computer accessory he wanted them to purchase.  It looked like a wireless modem or an external hard drive - they let him get it.  Finally they questioned his purchase of an ether net cable, but still let him get it too.  Pretty non-eventful so far.

Then, the mother must have realized that she had forgotten to pick up something they needed, so she made the father and son go back inside the shopping area to find whatever it was that she needed.  The mother really wasn't paying attention, so I toyed with the idea of snagging the game and sliding it down the conveyer belt and back into her pile of items.  It would have nearly undetectable and easy to pull off.  After all, I have already had numerous missions where I have placed random things in carts. 

My thinking was, that it would be unnoticed until they either a) got in the car, or more likely, b) got home.  I was shooting for b) and thought it would be quite funny.  Why?  Because he would be accused of not putting it back, which he would rightly deny.  They of course would not believe him - I could even imagine them saying "What, do you expect us to believe that someone else put it there?"  Which would be completely correct.  This could be funny.  

In the end, I opted to not do it because it just wouldn't be funny for the son.  It could cause problems for he and his family and that's something I couldn't bring myself to do.  After all, family is way too important to cause problems like that.