The Bee Fatwa & The Map Nazi

I don't know what I did to offend the bees.  Maybe they caught wind of my taking out some of their more aggressive brethren near my pool, or perhaps there is some other movement afoot here.  But obviously, some big Queen Bee somewhere has issued a Fatwa against me.  Just this week I felt something on the back of my neck, swiped at it and knocked off a bee.  No sting.  Then while walking from a client meeting, I found a bee on my shirt, which I was able to smack off, again with no sting.  Okay, two times over a few days can be chalked up to a coincidence.  Today erased all doubt.  I had to go to downtown L.A. and I parked on the roof a six floor parking garage.  I get out, put on my sunglasses, then I think I feel something and there it is:  a bee landed on the side of my sunglasses and was crawling down in between the side and my head.  I was too fast for him and I extricated myself from the situation.  But there it is. Somewhere, somehow, in Bee HQ, they've got it in for me.  A Fatwa has been issued in Bee-Land for me.  Call me paranoid, but I know they're out there watching me even now.  Bzzzzzz

The Map Nazi

Yesterday, I went to a customer meeting, which is about an hour's drive away.  The organization has two locations, and each has a security guard.  These properties are very large and contain senior living areas, medical facilities and nursing home sections as well.  Location one has a very nice guard who recognizes me (or at least pretends to) when I arrive and is more than helpful in pointing me in the right direction.  I've been there so many times that I find I can get where I need without any directional assistance anymore, but I know he's there if I need him.

At location two, the guard is something else: a little anger and a little power trip with a side order of Paul Blart.  I have only been there once prior, it has been remodeled since that visit and the person I'm going to see has moved to a different part of the building.  All of this, plus the fact that he acts like anyone showing up at the property must be treated as a major suspect (like he's Secret Service or something) all makes me thing that I have some fun waiting for me when I roll up.  Oh, his other big deal is, visitors don't get to park in the parking lot.  He makes you park on the street, then walk up, no matter how many open spaces there are inside. 

So anyway, I come bouncing up and let him know of my intention to enter the premises and visit my colleague.  He looks at me for a moment (no smile whatsoever), calls her up, then once she confirms my story, tells me I'm okay to go in.  Just then his Kevlar exterior cracks ever so slightly and he asks me if I need directions, because he knows the person I'm going to see has recently relocated.  He even offers to let me use his map.  This is a plasticized map, about 8 1/2 by 11, and it has both the "You Are Here" and my destination connected by a route drawn in pencil, with a yellow highlight on it the entire way.  Pretty cool and pretty nice.  There is one catch though:  "I need that back" he commands.  "No problem", I answer (I've been wanting to use that).  And with that, I'm off to see my friend.

Thanks to the cool map, I find where I'm going with the greatest of ease.  Our meeting lasts about 45 minutes to an hour, then we wrap it up.  I stand up to depart, and I reach for the map which is resting comfortably on her desk.  She tells me "Oh, you can leave that here."  I say "Um, he told me specifically to bring it back to him".  She ends with "Don't worry about it, I'll get it back to him".  With that, I'm off.  We walk the parking lot near the street, then I head to my car.  I can see him in the guard shack, staring at me as I shuffle towards the street.  Problem.  I have to pass within about 15 feet of where he is - no way around it.

As I start getting closer to the street, I'm forced to angle somewhat closer to his command post (I'm staying as far away as I physically can) and I hear him yell out "Where's my map?" Great.  I stop, turn and walk over to him and tell him that I don't have it.  The look he gave me was priceless.  He was stupefied.  To him, I had deliberately disobeyed him.  Like when you tell your child specifically not to touch something and they look right at you and touch it anyway.  I explained that my friend had instructed me to leave the map in her office, which did nothing to alleviate his upset demeanor.  He grabbed the phone (it's just above the little white microwave he keeps in the shack) and called her but she hadn't made it back to her office yet.  So, he hung up and immediately called someone else in the building, who I'm assuming must sit close to my friend's office.  He switched to Spanish (so that the prisoner couldn't understand what was happening I guess), but kept looking back at me, like "Don't you even think of going anywhere."

This all transpired in about 30-45 seconds while I stood at the guard shack.  I was amused and annoyed at the same time.  Part of me was ready to just turn around and walk away - I mean, I'd off the property, he's freaking out of a stinking map and if he came at me, I could just cram him back inside the guard shack - I'm not worried about any physical altercation.  But, I also don't want to make a scene as it could be bad for business.

So I wait another 10 seconds, give him the "I'm leaving signal", he nods slowly, but all the time keeping his peepers locked on me like he's thinking "You're lucky I'm letting you walk out of here."  He watches me all the way to the street and by this time I'm laughing hard.  Something tells me my next visit is not going to be all fun and games.